He is average. But he is Thomas Müller.
It seems the era of Thomas Müller at Bayern is coming to an end this summer. As good a time as any to check out his new documentary, One of a kind.
I’ve always liked to think I would’ve made a great professional footballer, had my talent matched my ambition.
But as it stands, I’m a lousy player. No talent whatsoever. “Skill issue” is putting it mildly. Half a dozen left feet, if you will. Or as the Germans say: ein Körperklaus.
I managed to hide this fact as a kid by simply being taller and a bit more imposing than my mates, which sometimes gave me a physical edge.
I was actually quite OK when my team wasn’t in possession. I had decent defensive instincts. What I lacked in skill, I made up for by ignoring basic football rules and taking the piss – stepping on their feet, pinching them when nobody was looking. Think Gennaro Gattuso, but in the body of a mountain troll.
As a mate once put it, it sucked playing against me – which I took as a compliment. But in truth, I was the embodiment of anti-football.1
I’ve never been a fan of Thomas Müller, but I’ve always had a soft spot for that type of player. The kind who ends up a Sunday league legend 99.9% of the time. Müller is one of the 0.1% who make it big.
Now don’t get me wrong.
I’m not saying Thomas Müller is an anti-footballer, nor am I comparing myself to him. Let the record show: he is very, very good at playing the football.
But when I first saw him on the pitch between 2008 and 2010 – lanky, maladroit, all arms and legs, gracefulness out the window, the exact opposite of your Robbens, Zidanes and Messis, celebrating goals like an inflatable dancing flailing arms tube guy – it gave me the feeling that even a right klutz like me could make it.
In theory.
In practice, my career high was being benched at Sparkasse Herford Betriebssport-Gemeinschaft.
While Thomas Müller went on to win the World Cup, the Club World Cup (twice), the UCL (twice), the UEFA Super Cup (twice), DFB-Pokal (6×), the Bundesliga (12×).
Müller has scored 10 World Cup goals – on par with Lineker and Batistuta, ahead of Maradona, Neymar, and Rudi Völler. To date, he has 150 Bundesliga and 56 UCL goals. All for Bayern.
For all intents and purposes, Thomas Müller is Bayern.
I’ll be honest: this is not the career trajectory I expected when Klinsmann first subbed him on in 2008. But here we are.
In the new documentary Thomas Müller – One of a Kind (Thomas Müller – Einer wie keiner), Karl-Heinz Rummenigge puts it like this:
He is average across the board – but he is Thomas Müller.
I can’t think of a better way to put it.
Last week, German media announced Bayern won’t renew his contract. At 35, after 25 years, the Thomas Müller era at Bayern is coming to an end.
Something that could have – and maybe should have – happened a year earlier, which is the core of the documentary. The entertaining recap of his stacked CV is built around his late-career crisis, when he finds himself benched by Thomas Tuchel and doubting his place at the club that was his first love.
No spoiler warning needed: he signs a contract extension and joins the German team for his last EURO.
One year on, he’s back to square one: relegated to rotation player, fighting for a new contract.
This time, though, his time seems to have run out.
Pep compares him to Maldini, Pujol, Sergio Ramos, in terms of his meaning for Bayern. Even for an old fart like me, it’s hard to imagine Bayern without Müller. But the bosses clearly can. The question is: can Thomas Müller? We’ll see.
I mentioned earlier that I never was a fan. But he grew on me. He seems like a nice bloke. Normal. Someone you’d hang out with. If you got to pick Haaland or Müller for a little chat over a pint of lager from the offie around the corner, who would you choose? Exactly.2
Or maybe it is because he harks back to a different age.
Let me put this into context: when Müller made his Bayern debut on 15 August 2008, Thaksin Shinawatra hadn’t yet sold Man City to Abu Dhabi. It would be another three years before QSI bought PSG. Chelsea and Salzburg were still the much-maligned exceptions to the rule. Sneijder and Eto’o were still about. Thierry Henry was enjoying his late prime at Barça.
It was a different time. Early-stage football capitalism. The dying breaths of unmodern football. Müller – the way he looked, the way he moved, his composure, his attitude, his private life, even his playing style – felt old-fashioned.
Müller was an unmodern player for the modern age.
Sure, earning a reported €17 million per year, he’s part of the problem. But I don’t blame players for making the most of a kaput system. He seems grounded, despite the pay cheque. For want of a better word, Müller always felt anachronistic.
On and off the pitch.
Several studies show fans like seeing players and clubs get involved in societal issues. And more and more athletes do. In football, in American football, in other sports.
Müller, by contrast, seems to have taken a centrist route. Whether it was the Özil affair or Qatar, some progressive fans might have wanted more from him.
But Müller is your average German. A moderate conservative. Possibly SPD-leaning, at best. Maybe we just have to accept that the Paul Breitners, the Thomas Broichs, the Jackson Irvines are the exceptions – and the player pool just reflects the bell curve of German society.
Could’ve been worse, honestly, considering he’s basically a Bavarian redneck. Personally, I think his heart’s in the right place – as shown when he took part in that iconic pink jersey presentation, a middle finger to whiny football incels.
Still, Thomas Müller won’t be remembered for his politics. He’ll be remembered for his antics. On and off the pitch. The same gawkiness in interviews and on social media that he brings to his game. The charm of a failed stand-up comic who genuinely loves his job.
The class clown of German football. And a nice guy.
But is he more Ted Lasso or the Joker? That’s what I asked myself watching One of a kind.
At least to me, there is more to it than meets the eye. The nice-guy-class-clown-shtick possibly just that.
When he talks about his time under Tuchel, when he talks about his ambitions, when he voices his doubts about the new national team manager Julian Nagelsmann, there’s a hint of Dark Müller, a side of Thomas Müller we, the public, weren’t always privy to. Indicating all of this maybe wasn’t just happenstance. Not just a series of fortunate events. But possibly all part of a strategy.
Which, to be honest, would just make me respect him more. Nuance and ambiguity to an otherwise often one-dimensional public character.
Either way:
Thomas Müller is a true legend and belongs in the hall of fame of football.
Most kids dream of playing for their national team one day. I did. Müller? Not so much. At least that’s what he says in the documentary.
“I don’t think I ever dreamt of playing for Germany. I never dreamt of things that don’t make sense.”
Whether that’s actually true or just part of a role he played for us, framing his own trajectory as ridiculous is an apt bookend to a career that was a dream come true to a dream never dreamt.
According to Jogi Löw, everyone was buzzing ahead of the 2010 World Cup opener.
Not Thomas Müller.
Twenty minutes before kick-off, Löw found him chilling in the locker room. He even wondered whether Müller had clocked he was in the starting XI.
He had. And he exploded onto the global stage with a goal and an assist.
Possibly the biggest difference between Thomas Müller and me:
I dreamt the dream.
He walked the talk.
Thomas Müller – One of a kind (Thomas Müller Einer wie keiner) is available on a streaming service.
Only later did I learn that I suffer from dyspraxia, a comorbidity of my Autism diagnosis; but who am I kidding, even with that out of the equation they would’ve barred me from Sunday league.
I only saw him play live once, but I don’t remember anything about it. It was game 28 of the 08/09 season, Bayern played Arminia in Bielefeld at Schüco Arena. He got subbed on in 90+4, we lost the game and were relegated to 2. Bundesliga. A year later, I moved to Berlin and canceled my season ticket.
What I like is the following I heard about Thomas Müller. Hope it's true.
Because he talks a lot and rarely shuts up, he was called "Radio Müller"
Great piece!